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deviantART

:D:XD::rage::|
 
About Me Member Deviant of Many Talents violated-pixie30/Female/Canada Recent Activity Deviant for 4 Years
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Statistics 13 Deviations
14 Comments
1,453 Pageviews

so messed up

Sun Jun 19, 2005, 5:18 AM
Mood: Crying dead
Listening to: Of A Broken Heart ~Zwan

my best friend jared came to town for a visit yesterday. he showed up at my door without warning to surprise me. he ended up taking me and the kids to the mall, about 10 minutes after we got there i ended up in the parking lot puking my guts up. i should have known better, the thought of being anywhere near people is enough to give me panic attacks... i should have known that being in a crowd would fuck with my head.

i wish i could have been happy to see him, i really do, but before he left i hauled him into the bedroom to talk to him alone and even he saw that there is nothing left of the person i was, that i'm a dead, empty shell.

hell all i could tell him was that he shouldn't have come. that as much as i wished i could be happy to see him...i can't be. i just don't have the strength to handle anymore goodbyes. and it hurt so much that he would bring someone here with him. as hard as it is for me to even admit that i can be vulnerable... at a time when i can barely cope with the people i know... it hurt so fucking much that he would come here with someone i don't know and force me to expose myself to a total stranger at my weakest and most vulnerable.

i've slipped down so far in the past 2 months. i'm right back to where i was after tristan died. i'm terrified of people, i can't stand to be touched...hell, my kids hug me and it takes every ounce of strength i have not to throw them off me. i hate myself. hate who i've become. hate that i ever let myself love someone enough that losing them could do this to me.

i'm supposed to start looking for a new job soon, but i can't even walk out my door without throwing up and having a panic attack. people talk to me and i just want to run away from them. get back to my bed where i know it's safe. how am i ever supposed to trust anyone again when everyone i let myself trust and care about walked out of my life when i needed them most?

i guess all i can do is hope my body hurries up and figures out i'm already dead and finaly lets go.

deviantID

Devious Info

  • Current Residence: hell
  • Favourite movie: Undead, Haggard
  • Favourite band or musician: Violent Work Of Art
  • Favourite genre of music: industrial
  • Favourite poet or writer: Sylvia Plath, Edgar Allen Poe
  • Favourite style of art: gothic
  • Operating System: XP Pro
  • MP3 player of choice: Winamp 2.78
  • Shell of choice: empty
  • Skin of choice: any but my own
  • Favourite game: neverwinter nights
  • Favourite gaming platform: pc
  • Favourite cartoon character: Lenore the Cute Little Dead Girl
  • Personal Quote: intelligence breeds nihilism
  • Tools of the Trade: pen, paper, blood, hopelessness, pain, notepad, photoshop...sometimes the threat of death

deviantART Community Board

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Comments


:iconsinladie:
Thank you very much for the shout out for the avatar. I miss my site too. I have no clue what happened to the people that hosted it for me they just disappeared :( I am trying hard to bring it back. Thanks again so very much. Kristine Johnson Bowles
:iconjohnny777vasquez:
Take just a couple of minutes to take this test & see what happens!
If you are honest this tells the truth -- it's pretty good.

Write your answers on a piece of paper, NO
cheating!! The answers are at the
bottom...

1. Which is your favorite color: red, black, blue, green, or yellow?
2. Your first initial?
3. Your month of birth?
4. Which color do you like more, black or white?
5 . Name of a person of the same sex as yours.
6. Your favorite number?
7. Do you like California or Florida more?
8. Do you like a lake or the ocean more?
9. W! rite down a wish (a realistic one)


When you're done, scroll down. Don't cheat












Answers:
1. If you choose:
Red - You are alert and your life is full of love.
Black - you are conservative and aggressive.
Green - Your soul is relaxed and you are laid back.
Blue - You are spontaneous and love kisses and affection from the ones you love.
Yellow - You are a very happy person and give good advice to those who are down.

2. If your initial is:
A-K - You have a lot of love and friendships in your life.
L-R - You try to enjoy your life to the maximum and your love life is soon to blossom.
S-Z - You like to help others and your future love life looks very good.

3. If you were born in:
JAN - MAR: The year will go very well for you and you will discover that you fall in love with someone totally unexpected.
APR - JUN: You will have a strong love relationship that will last forever.
JUL - SEP: You will have a great year and will experience a major life-changing experience for the good.
OCT - DEC: Your love life will be great, you will find your soulmate.

4. If you chose...
Black: Your life will take on a different direction, it will be the best thing for you, and you will be glad for the change.
White: You have a friend who completely confides in you and would do anything for you, but! you may not realize it.

5. This person should be your best friend.

6. This is how many close friends you will have in your lifetime.

7. If you chose:
California : You like adventure.
Florida : You are a laid back person.

8. If you chose:
Lake : You are loyal to your friends and your lover and are very reserved.
Ocean: You are spontaneous and like to please people.

9. This wish will come true if you send this to 1 person in one hour (some day)
Send it to ten people, and it will come true before your next Birthday

--

Not living in fear is a great gift, because certainly these days we do it so much. And do you know what I like about comedy? You can’t laugh and be afraid at the same time—of anything. If you’re laughing, I defy you to be afraid.

-- Stephen Colbert
:iconelfsofdeath:
hi love your violent work of art web page desing what your fav song by them mine Divine

--
even angels cry. d.croft
:iconshizophrenik:
thanks alot for the :+fav:

A
:iconmjgirl:
im sure someone else is viloated too with your avatar and all. i had that image about 3 years ago =)

--
mj_girl~ My Gallery \m/(-_-)\m/
:horny: :| :nirvana: :w00t: 8-) :giggle: :ohmygod:
:iconviolated-pixie:
yeah, it's from Kristine Johnson Bowles' tortured heart theme. i've been using it of and on as an avatar for a few years.

i miss her legendary themes site. :(

--
intelligence breeds nihilism
:iconmedranoo:
Thank you for adding my photo as a favorite.
:icongenuine-atramentous:
Welcome to deviantart. Nice wallpaper, you make it yourself?

--
I will make all your dreams come to life, & slay them as quickly as they came.
:iconviolated-pixie:
nope, that's not one of mine.

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